11 July 2012

Well I slid past the year mark of Mom's death. June 18th. I'm at peace but I do miss having a mom. Of course, I missed having a mom when she was here. But she did the best she could. It's weird but I can feel her around me sometimes. And my grandmother. It's like they're watching out for me. That's fine by me as I can use all the help I can get.
I recently reconnected with an old high school friend and it's been really interesting. She's got a wonderful sense of humor and seems well-grounded even though life has handed her crap after crap. I'm glad she found me although I wonder how. She's a great detective.
My writing is up and down. Scribblings mostly. Getting back into the habit of writing daily will help me a lot. I always say I will and then life gets in the way.
Well. Tonight is a start.

03 April 2012

Life's Been Good To Me So Far...

I'm loving life. I'm content. I'm at peace. I'm just loving it! I look forward to being at a normal weight again. Depression medication can do a real number on one's weight and I have proven to be no exception.
All goes well at the moment. I'm fighting with Sears, my latest client. I'm not sure if I want to continue with them. And then I log in and take more calls. Oh well. It's some pocket change for me right now...something I sorely need.
Tom's been so good. He's the patient, supportive, loving husband I've always needed him to be since I got sick. Something about the last time I went to the hospital...it's like it clicked with him. All of a sudden he knew and understood. He attended a family meeting that was quickly put together even though he'd just gotten off work. I give him props for that. And he actually listened to the doctor. Where has this guy been? Oh well. I'm not going to waste my time for what hasn't been. I'd much rather focus on what is and what will be. And right now the future looks really bright!
Not my will but thy will be done;
Love always,

24 March 2012

Blessed be the Lord

All praise goes to God, and Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour.
I'm just feeling so blessed this evening. So blessed and fortunate. I just had to jot it down.
We're coming up on the one year anniversary of Mom's death. June 18, 2011. So this June will have a slightly different tint to it. But it's okay because I know she is in a far better place.
It may sound weird, but there are times when I can feel mom around me. I'm sure she's watching out for me in her own way. But my life is up to me. And the decisions I've made lately are to hopefully enhance and make life better for me.
I thought about it today. Am I happy...yes. I think I am. An odd feeling. But pleasant. And one I can get used to.

18 March 2012

American Idol

What a cruddy name for a TV show. I rarely watch it.
Anyway. I just saw a commercial for it.  I watched the quick rundown on the contestants...I really don't know one from the other...but I wondered. What do these people feel? I mean...you're putting your craft...your heart and soul...all of it out there for everyone to see and judge. It's one thing when I scribble on this blog...my craft needs much refining...and will get it. But to be out there on stage (a place I'm quite familiar with) and to just...just give it your all...in the hopes of inspiring and entertaining...I just wonder.
These days we don't wait for tomorrow morning's papers for the reviews. Everything is done in real time...Twitter...Facebook...(is MySpace even relevant anymore?)...texting...video messages...hmmm.
Which leads to another thought.
No one can make a mistake these days. Everyone is armed with an open mic and a camera called a cell phone. So those embarrassing moments can and will be forever digitally captured and has the potential to go 'viral'. Go viral. To me that means getting the flu.
Our wonderful, morphing English language. So many things have different meanings these days. My grandmother would be so confused with the change of the meaning of  'Gay'. She would never comprehend an iPhone. Call waiting was a busy signal and you had to wait and call back later.
Three party calls? Only if calling in a business and there was a serious problem. The filthy language on 'regular' TV these days? She'd run to the confessional at church.
My grandmother. I often think of her and mom...sometimes a bit jealous...wondering what they are up to in Paradise.
I know it sounds crazy but I 'feel' mom. I know she's around me. I talk to her sometimes. No, she hasn't answered back. LOL (and I sure hope she doesn't scare me by doing so!) but...anyways...such is where my mind is.


Ok. So I'm watching Family Guy as I attempt this. So call me distracted.
I want to get back to my writing. I have much to offer and I've barely tapped the well. So here is my pathetic first attempt.
Now I shouldn't do that. There are no 'pathetic' attempts. Only practice. As I once read from a recommended book from a friend about writing...just write. It doesn't matter what you put on the paper (or in this electronic age: the monitor). What matters is that I've written. It may take days...weeks...to get some sort of thread together. And that's ok. Because in the meantime I have written.
I still revert to pen and paper when I want to think more carefully about what I'm writing. Typing is a breeze...so quick and easy.
But there's something about feeling that 'just right' pen scratching against a smooth sheet of paper. I love it!
And speaking of transitions...
God has been so good to me so far this year. Yes, my health is in severe decline. But it's okay. So many other areas of my life are working out...I remain humbled. Through God all things are possible.
And I am a living testament.
Ok. Ok...

22 November 2011

Long Overdue Letter

Dear Mom;
As you know I've been suffering a severe case of writer's block. It's lasted about two years and counting. I don't know that there is a right or wrong way to do this...so I'm just going to trudge ahead.
It's been threatening to rain all day today and oddly enough when I started to write the rain started to fall. I can see the lightening streaks out of the corner of my eye and Komando is about to shake is fur off.
Komando. You'd love him. He's a tiny little chihuahua with a big attitude. He's playful, loving, and patient. His vet swears Komando doesn't realize he is a chihuahua because he doesn't have the 'shaking' trait...that is...except for during spells of thunder and lightening.
Growing up I always felt close to you and just knew you were the best mom in the world. I can remember me telling you I wanted to be a good mom just like you and you'd chuckle a bit, turn red, and say thank you.
I didn't understand a lot of things that I should have understood. I also knew more things than I should have known at a much too young age. I realized your shortcomings long ago and made peace with it. You did the best you could with the limited support you had.
So many things were left said and unsaid. But one thing I know for sure...without a doubt. You're with me now. Early in the morning before the sun wakes up...while I'm in prayer...I can feel you and Memo around me. Papaw as well. I think about the humorous things Memo must be telling Papaw. I look forward to the day I can be a part of the circle again.
I have to tell you. I'm jealous. You're home. You're free. You're without pain and in Paradise. You get to walk and talk with Jesus...and hug our Holy Father God.
I think about that.
And I think about it.
It comforts me in an odd sort of way. You know everything...things I can't even conceive of right now...and I'm jealous! One day it will be my time, and I'm counting on you to escort me to Paradise.
Mom. I love you so very much. I'll always love you and always have. Your time on earth was cut short. At least, that's how I feel. But who am I to question God's plans?
Your great-grandsons are beautiful. Your grand-daughters are beautiful. I look at my youngest daughter and see you. You see, she looks just like me, and I look just like you. It's strange how this 'circle of life' thing works. I wonder about my other kin people in heaven...do all the women look alike? That would be hilarious.
And I keep thinking about how you would react if I would get to speak to you one more time...'Riccie; I went in for heart surgery and it didn't turn out too well'...LOL! So you. It's something you'd say.
I spoke with someone who had the pleasure of working with you over the weekend. He had wonderful stories to share about you. He had the utmost respect for you...and over and over talked about what a big heart you had. But I already knew that. You'd give the shirt off your back to a stranger...and that big heart of yours got yourself in trouble many times. (Remember when you got pinched on the butt in California? Or when the Mariachi band followed you at Knott's Berry Farm? They always thought we were Hispanic...but no. It's the French in us.) You gave until it hurt...gave everything even when it would short yourself.
I wanted to tell you, mom. As if you didn't know. The chain is broken. We broke it. I say we because I couldn't have done it without your example. Your patience, your kindness, your teaching about helping others less fortunate, well...they stuck.
You were given the raw end of the deal over and over again in life. But you kept on. You remained steadfast and kept the bitterness to a minimum.
I am and always will be your loving daughter, Mom. I will say goodbye for now, but I feel good about doing so because I know I will see you again in Paradise. And we will be able to go over the humorous stuff that's happened to me since you left. 
Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. This year you are at the table of the Lord. What wondrous foods to sample! 
I miss you. I love you. I love you so very much.
Love Always,